I love it when I get it, I hate it when I need it, and I’ll lie about it when I want it. When I was a child, if I felt neglected, I would go pout in a corner until someone came to find out what was wrong. I clearly remember my mother stating, “She’s fine, she just wants attention.” She was right about one thing, I did want attention. Was I fine? That’s debatable.
Was it there that my search began? My lifelong quest for validation. What validates me: Attention, compliments, laughter, phone calls, boys, construction workers. All of the above can make me feel like a queen. The problem is when it stops, I’m left feeling like yesterday’s news, outdated and forgotten. It’s like I get the rug pulled out from under me. I tell myself time and again that nobody needs to like me but me. NOBODY NEEDS TO LIKE ME BUT ME.
To be honest, I take it for granted that people are going to like me. I know that sounds a little arrogant, but I think it just comes with being the youngest child. I’m shocked and dismayed when I find out that someone found me annoying or God forbid, doesn't remember who I am after being introduced once. I remember everyone I meet unless there is someone I’m forgetting. It sounds contradictory, you’d think that self-assurance would be enough. It’s not.
It’s almost like a drug. Even when I’m getting good responses, I want more. “You look nice.” Just nice, not hot? “You make me laugh.” Why didn’t you say I was hilarious? “I consider you a good friend.” Good, not your best? To me these statements are worthless. If the superlative is not used I'm left questioning my own worth. But if someone does happen to send praises my way, I become unbelieving and embarrassed. It’s like stop already, but then they stop and I think, why did you stop? Now yes, I’m being melodramatic of course, I’ll take insults to be compliments if need be. It’s all relative.
My need for validation varies from wanting the man who serves me coffee in the morning to like me more than any other customer to, to…,well lets not even get started on romantic endeavors. That could just get ugly, and, frankly, I don’t think we have the eyes for that kind of debauchery. So alas, I’m changing my quest. I’m now seeking to not seek outside approval.
If you read this, please don’t think that I’m arrogant or shallow or needy.
